Sexual Suppression vs Expression

It's probably been no secret for anyone watching my journey in this industry that I have faced many times an internal battle.

Stigma, the belief I needed to change in order to step into having a personal life - a life outside of my job. That there was something wrong with me.

I think one of the greatest causes for depression in life has to be the suppression of sexual desires, sexual energy & your sexual truths. We all do it at times - out of fear from judgement from family, friends, society, religions & worst of all our partners.

What is the right things to like in sex? How much is too much? How much is not enough? Are you a bad person? Are you twisted? It's actually a bit sad if I'm honest.

Life lost its colour for quiet some time - on and off as I like many others in the world tried to kill off parts of myself and shove myself in a box. I have always known what I like, know I have an abnormally high sex drive (or what even is normal are most just severely depressed because they don't have enough sex) I know I like sex, I like things others find taboo, I like being over the top & I don't like boring. I also have to admit there is nothing hotter than getting paid - it's honestly one of the biggest turn ons. It's like a extra reward system.

But in that because I looked at the mould of what society projects a woman should be - the boring box and the boring house plant sex life- I thought if I ever wanted to have a personal life & real love, relationship etc I'd have to be a boring house plant. I knew in the past when I tried that long before Armarni that didn't work out so well- I have needs that most men just don't have the capacity to handle..if I don't take care of that well- here comes a train of depression.

I think that's why in honest at parts of my time filming / of (besides the repeatedly boring routine stuff & need for SM marketing) I was some what happy. Although I was still trying to accept that the box I was secretly trying to put myself in my private life or prepare myself for just wasn't for me. When you hear something enough times you start to believe it.

What did I hear- women in my job - unworthy of love, family, support, friendships - a place in society. Spewed over social medias. It takes a bit to handle that stigma all the time & I guess I started to question everything.

But in a long period of complete silence, no tv or socials I came to realize how much my sexual energy is a part of me- is a part of everyone. I thought about all the people I have met over the years and how many of those people have these deep suppressed shame - shame that seeps through to other parts of their life, muddies their success & makes all of their connections built on a lie because in a lot of ways they are living one.

For anyone familiar with philosophical teachers such as Napoleon hill & other greats you will know that sexual transmutation is very important in a successful person's life. Sexual energy is actually one of the greatest drivers- it is creative energy. Sex is a form of expression similar to that as dance, painting, singing - creating. Because you are effectively creating energy & energy flow.

I observed successful people generally have more of a sexual appetite - if a man has ambition and drive he is very very rarely actually monogamous - he might pretend to be with masks for society but in reality sexual energy is needed for true drive and creation. I wonder why is it seen as such a bad thing and why is it that for women it's seen as bad when those very men who tend to project that are infact unable to accept themselves & hide it.

Ofcourse 90% of marriages would result in divorce if both parties came out and told the truth about their sexual desires & behavior. And isn't that stupid people marrying people who have no idea what they like sexually? People that your scared to tell what you like? To me that's just sad- someone you sleep next to every night you can't tell you want something up your ass? Like is it that big of a deal? Someone you sleep next to every night you can't admit you are secretly freaky and want a gang bang? Or that you actually don't like sex and don't want sex at all - that to you it's a dreaded chore?

It just makes no sense to me but I also understand it as I was in a relationship where he wasn't a very sexual person and those who have spent proper time with me know I absolutely love to give head- to me it's like one of the best feelings - guess what he wasn't really into head. How incompatible - but I thought maybe I was the one that was strange especially hearing about how wives shouldn't give head (apparently getting someone else to is seen as okay though lol). I'm not judging in a way that's meant to be mean but do people actually realize that the rules no one plays by them.

Trying to people are usually depressed & stagnant in their lives. The inability to accept yourself leads to the inability to accept others and any partnership that is formed without accepting yourself and them fully as they are flaws, enhancements and all literally is a big fat lie.

I have so many times in my life tried to put myself in a box, shamed myself due to perception of society standards. The reality most people are unhappy - unable to be themselves with their partner & I find that so sad. It really hit me recently how some of the happiest relationships I've seen are couples that have booked me- like how they can be so honest with each other not lie. Really shocked me when I had that realization if I'm honest.

So the point of this - maybe for those already married it's too late. But for those who are not for those who are sitting there listening to opinions of others I really want to ask you something. Do you actually believe those people you are listening to are actually happy? Do you think that they both stay in that cage or do you think one ventures out while the other sits in their with it's wings clipped sad- or just content that it's got seed and didn't really care who it shared the cage with?

If you haven't read my other blog Lessons in Romantic Love - it might not make too much sense the bird references here lol.

Sex is a HUGE part of relationships infact I'd argue one of the most important parts because tangled up inside that is the ability to truly express yourself, be your true vulnerable self. Do not marry someone who doesn't align with you sexually. Do not marry someone who you have to change or who wants to change you. Find someone who encourages you to take off your mask & that you are not selfish and you take off theirs - that loves you as you are and you as they are.

As someone who has done what I have done I can tell you those rules, standards & traditions unfortunately are not what you think. Most of these men venture else where & many will admit things are unhappy at home- I can only imagine for the women as someone who used to try to put myself in a box all those years ago- I was depressed, ate too much, stopped being creative, felt like there was someone else- that's what happens when sexual energy exchange is one sided, cut off, told to dim or made to feel shame.

You don't want that for you or anyone you love - they will never admit it to you because you can judge them. But someone like me, I've been seen as someone who cannot judge & I know the truths of many. I know that if they were asked without that mask on - they want their children to actually be happy unlike themselves. It's not to say they are fully miserable but they recognize what that clipping of wings & cages that were not desired by both parties have done. Not only to themselves but the other person who often loses themselves.

Is it easy to find someone who likes what you like? No it's even harder to first understand that and admit it to yourself. To understand yourself - but strive to figure that out first so you don't hurt anyone's feelings or make decisions that are harder to undo.

Gee this sounds like a lecture lol. Probably a bit too much coffee today I love my double shot espressos. I've just over the years met so many people dreading a life that's being planned for them- a life that is very different to what they want and unlike them & most of society I see the actual truth that's under masks & I just believe in such a diverse world we should be able to find people that truly align with us & express ourselves freely.

Ofcourse people will do as they wish - but if you find yourself in a situation where you seem to repel relationships, repel connections- is it maybe that you are suppressing yourself internally? Unable to love and accept the truths about yourself?

If you cannot live and accept yourself - if you do not know yourself you cannot obtain true authentic love- because to have that even the "flaws" need to be loved.

Sexual expression should never be seen as bad when it's with consenting parties & in a way that's not causing harm directly or indirectly in ways that are not agreed upon by all those either experiencing or witnessing. Judge yourself & others less. & Don't put yourself in a box you don't truly want to get into because someone who truly loves you wouldn't want you to get in one that dims you anyway.

Sex & love are different things but sex within romantic love is very important. But so is the ability to distinguish between the both- but communication & understanding and compromise on needs is also important it cannot be one sided or eventually one party isn't happy. Figure yourself out & find someone that your yum is theirs or they at least are open to you expressing yours without shame. And that you will show that same love to - because in life the scales are eventually always evened out- do not just take, take, take- give.

One of my favorite lessons from Vadim Zeland writings is life is a mirror & your reactions with others - think how stupid you would look flapping your arms around "give me give me" in the mirror. Instead give which you wish to receive first & if the connection is a healthy one you can expect you will be reciprocated. If however you go into the mirror with a person (not reality itself it's different) if a person is one who only takes and doesn't give- learn and avoid that person. Energy is meant to be an exchange - if someone only takes what does that make them in a metaphysics point of view those that know know? & In common sense POV someone you should stop pouring into.

So instead of always reaching for what you want from another try giving it first or something of equal value to that person. Example you want attention - try giving it genuinely. You want to be accepted - try being accepting.

Thanks for coming to my weird blogs lol. If I'm honest I know the paths I could take soon are all very different to each other & I'm not certain which paths I will take - rather I'm just following an instinct I've had given to me from outside of me for many years now to share things I've observed and kept locked inside me.

Originally I was letting ego take the stage and thinking I should put it in a book and monetize because put Sex worker on it and it sells but it just didn't feel right currently. But for me I feel like the whole reason behind my journey I can finally see clearly & things that I was "shown" made no sense however they all do now that I've taken off a mask that wasn't meant for me to wear.

Who might this help- I have no idea but I do know in my very peculiar ways I have stopped suicides, rehabilitated people, fixed marriages, made people realize they & their partner deserve to be themselves & happy, helped men find actual relationships & learn about women's bodies, helped them heal themselves & learn to love and accept themselves instead of trying to be what their parents, religion or society wanted them to be, been people's ear at 3am in the morning, made people laugh even though their life had fallen apart. For me that was worth it & has been the best part of this job. Along with meeting every nationality that exists - people from literally every country in the world, every religion & walk of life in a way that so many take off their masks they wear for society, family & friends and show me a part of themselves that usually only the know and often so fearfully glare into the mirror at.

I find beauty in it all and I think when you reach this part in life you realize that eventually maybe the path has been complete - that the lessons have been learned & something new will blossom. Am I finishing up? Not yet, maybe & I don't know. I didn't know I would write this until I did and in the process I also started to write about evolution & the energy entities we have created that will literally make people think whaaaatt theeee lol.

I guess I've released control & I'm just doing what I feel called to and emptying things from my mind & taking each step as it comes. Maybe I'll be here for years maybe I'll be gone tomorrow - I don't know but I know I will keep my weird things published some where.

Thanks for being here

Learn yourself & love yourself entirely - allow others to do the same & give to them which you wish to receive.

Xx

Armarni Bulkani