Lessons In Romantic Love

Love and relationships - this in honesty was probably the longest and most challenging of lessons I learnt in escorting.

I will not lie, for a long time I observed the world in a rather grim shade and my once belief in a committal, monogamous relationships were shattered by this job. I had to come to terms with a reality that many are not ready to hear. & If you are not please don't read further & if you do please do until the end or you will never grasp what is being shared. For a long time I refused to really delve into any other ways of thinking other than the "how things should be" mould given to us by society.

Although this lesson was learnt earlier from clients and observation of societies labels of the "perfect husbands" & the removal of their masks, couples and just embracing all of my experiences. There is someone who truly made me come to this realization...

Nearly everyday for a while now I have had a visitor, he comes not because I ask him to, not because I call him or make him feel obligated to- he comes because he wants to. This visitor isn't probably who you are thinking, although I do call him handsome- he is a cockatoo. He will sit with me for hours, often sit up perched on my outdoor furniture watching me do yoga ( like I am a space alien in some poses lol) and some days will literally sit next to me and even let me pat him for hours. He has no cage, he is not my bird or anyone's. His wings are not trimmed, he flys freely & some days I marvel at just how amazing our friendship is. I can think of him and he appears. He has never tried to bite me & its almost like we have an unwavering sense of trust in each other.

Growing up a family member had a cockatoo. I find there few things sader in life than a big beautiful bird being in a cage- but after 30+ years or so you question if they would make it on their own. If they would even remember they can fly. I always tried to pat the bird and it would try to bite I thought it was just I wasn't his person. Now I have an understanding that I never used to grasp. How could I expect something that humans have caged for all of its life, trimmed it's wings and ceased it's pleasure of being able to take flight - how could it trust me? & Although we had a friendship it was one where he knew he couldn't truly trust me- after all I knew deep down it wasn't comfortable in that cage. Imagine being a bird and never being allowed to fly- never experiencing freedom not because you did something wrong, just you were caged by a human out of "love".

That's not love, that's not trust it is possession.

That's the world's common idea of love - possession. We think how do I get this person and control every aspect of their lives until they are the exact picture perfect idea of a puppet that I had in mind. So they can play the role in my script perfectly & everyone else think that the play is perfect. At the same time we sit there and subconsciously think what mask shall I put on while doing this? How can I make everyone believe I am the perfect character & convince this other person to put on this mask and play their role? Both men and women do this to each other &I themselves. Some do so knowingly and will take off their mask as they see fit or they can forget they put one on & don't realize until catastrophe, look in the mirror and go who the hell is that? Either do the self work & uncover themselves or try to put on more masks until they look like an overweight, struggling court jester to everyone and themselves.

I have seen people who have been married for decades and their spouse has absolutely no idea what they enjoy sexually, what their fantasies are, what's really going on behind that mask they put on. I find it sad and terrifying that people literally do not know each other and commit to marriage. People sit and wonder what box they need to get someone to fit into & also is it appropriate for them to do this with their wife? No - but apparently it's better to do it with someone else? - if so why is it hidden that you are doing so?

In this world everyone is so concerned over who is sinners and who is saints. Everyone is so consumed with their masks they wear that they often have no idea who they really are therefore cannot know, understand or accept themselves. Unable they cannot love themselves & are incapable of truly loving another.

Wear them for society yes, unfortunately it's the only way society & the systems in place work and don't attack you out of distortion. But if you cannot take your mask off Infront of your partner & be yourself without judgement & also hold that space and do the same for them - that is not love it is control and possession. You are caging a bird and often more than just your partner but also yourself.

I have seen men awaken to this and unravel in their lives, I've witnessed divorces because men took off their masks for once. Doing so many realized one of the reasons they were struggling with addiction whether it be to drugs, alcohol, food, porn or gambling is because they couldn't accept themselves. They couldn't be themselves and they knew deep down they couldn't be accepted in a place they should've been. They couldn't express, learn or explore themselves & therefore the person sleeping next to them at night for years knew them less than an escort they have spent a few hours with 3-5 times.

Then the hardest part, eventually there will be a realization that he put out a box & often one he didn't even desire & said subconsciously - "honey I need you to mould yourself to fit into this box too". Or maybe he didn't even need to put it out there, society gave her the dimensions long ago and she knew it was time to get in her box. Her desires were stuffed so deep she forgot what they were. Sex was no different to doing the dishes - routine. Eventually you even put on the gloves and no longer feel the bubbles and water. Just same motion to get things done. It gets depressing- no longer is life about your passion, desires or love and exploration either with yourself or your partner. It becomes an anxiously attached situation where in most cases neither has an idea what to do without the other because they forget who they really are on all levels and especially sexually.

Usually self care, appearance and things slip or that can also turn into something to be obsessed over. Either way when you have your wings clipped either by choice, self mutilation or unrealized by your partner, family or society you forget you are a bird that can fly.

That's how most marriages go. And you can say not such and such but I'm telling you it's a mask. Sit and ask yourself - your true sexual fantasy could you tell your spouse? Could you be honest? Would it be shut down? Would they be angry? Sexual fantasy & hidden desires are not us though right? I beg to differ - life is a funny balance where if we are not trying to balance the scales in most areas we will eventually see struggle blooming in all. I think sex is healthy when it's consenting by those that have the ability to consent & enjoyed by all parties.

We often fall into traps in what is right & wrong when it comes to love and relationships & I guess that falls more into what I have observed on a belief level which is a much deeper topic. But I guess in a lighter sense it can be asked if someone doesn't love, accept and let you love and accept all parts of yourself - can they really love you or just the mask you wear? Is that Devine love? Is that understanding & letting someone learn their unique path & lessons?

On a positive note, I have observed a few couples in my career and I will admit I was more close minded at the time of meeting. I was stuck in a societal view of what a relationship should be, of what type of marriage box I would pick for myself that I could not recognize the beauty in the freedom of not confirming to society standards (which are not real anyway - people either dip out of their box & sneak back in or eventually they crumble, decay, self implode or are thrown away when the other hops out of the box & decides they can't get back in) . The fact that wings were not clipped but both birds chose to fly in synchrony - sometimes socializing with others but always staying the pair. Not wearing a mask & when wanting to try something new- being supportive & intrigued at new things their partner was discovering about themselves. The trust that they didn't need to put them in a cage- that they genuinely enjoyed flying together. Their wasn't a need to control or possess because no one was wearing a mask- they knew that they were loved & accepted and it was mutual.

Are all situations perfect like this? No - sometimes someone although one partner is flying around free one longs to be in a cage, one longs for it's wings trimmed - maybe out of fear of society maybe confusion in themselves. But more often than not it's due to only one person's desires being accepted and fulfilled and yes that is usually the mans. If you are expecting to be able to spread your wings ask yourself if you could give what you hope for and expect? If you couldn't understand that is not love, it's possession usually from a selfish place aswell especially if you believe you should be able to feel the wind in your feathers but can clip your partners wings and almost mock them as you flap around the room.

One of the most amazing relationships I have ever witnessed both in side of work and outside of was a couple. At that time I could not truly appreciate what they had & I won't go into detail & the runners up are also pretty similar. They look after each other but not needing to be clipped at the wings & yes the man makes bread and he makes sure his woman's cared for but her wings are not clipped she enjoys her passions as well her passions pay - their lives are full of adventure, travel and laughter. Sexually they are far from conventional and when they want to do something different it's no big deal, they discuss & make sure they figure out any risk, details & see if they like it. There is no judgement, just acceptance and sometimes laughs. He's not scared to be himself and she's not scared to be herself & you know what they are literally perfect together. Both feel seen and appreciated. Both feel free to express & able to compromise. They walk together in synchrony not one expecting one to change up. They have both been in relationships before & take note of this - but the first relationship was filled with trimmed feathers, a cage & a mask. They realized the charade & decided to stop playing a role for society & find someone who wanted to partake in a journey that is mutually enjoyed & expressed.

Because no one is caged and everyone's themselves they don't have unhealthy habits that they do not accept about themselves. What do I mean by that? Look as someone who doesn't do a lot of things it's simply as I recognized some people are better people when they don't drink some can enjoy & all be well. I think we should be able to express ourselves as long as we are truly happy with how we are doing so and it's not causing disharmony in other aspects of our lives. I nor any human being on this planet is able to judge you, me or anyone and usually those that do are going against their own beliefs that they are not in a place to do so. Remember this if someone judges you & let it not effect you.

My blogs and things I notice & share do not come from a place of judgement, rather an understanding I can often see things from a different perspective. Most humans have so much going on variably in their lives. For many years I have had the luxury of observation. Of everything & especially myself. I have been trapped in limiting views before. I have had my wings clipped, I have been shamed & forgot that I had wings and the ability to fly, I have also due to my own wings being clipped thought I needed to clip someone else's so they don't fly away- whilst secretly wishing I could fly.

But you know what, if you stop letting your wings be clipped they grow back & you can fly.

But through this beautiful bird friend who visits me in a quiet moment of thought I shared with him looking in his eyes (like the massive weirdo I am). I realized the beauty in acceptance, trust, freedom, expression & someone being their because they choose too- not because they are obligated or caged & if you both genuinely love each other & fly in synchrony you observe others caging each other, you realize the rarity and beauty in what you have and realize your favourite place is usually only made better with someone who can fly in synch

But to find your perfect in-flight buddy you need to know yourself, accept yourself and love yourself. Not only through witness but my own inner experience we often believe we do know ourselves - however, somewhere in our journey - someone implants an idea, a belief, box dimensions & sometimes shames us if we open up. Eventually we might find out somewhere we put on a mask out of fear that everyone would judge as one once did, or we wouldn't be able to have what we truly desired of we could fit in that box. Never did it occur to you that someone would love and appreciate you for the real you more than any mask you could wear, that you could be exactly what someone is truly desiring under their mask. That if both of you took off your masks you could define your own dimensions in life - they don't need to be a box. Boundaries, limits - acceptance, safety, compromise & understanding- peace.

They say true love starts within- and yes if truly does. Because if you truly love yourself you won't want to spend your life with clipped wings in a cage & if you truly love another you would never want to do that to them. True love is not being together out of fear of being alone, obligation or need - it's being together out of enjoyment, genuine care & choice.

Massive thanks to a few special couples I have spent time with over the years - seeing your genuine trust and love for each other truly opened my eyes to the fact that although it's not conventional monogamy you guys are probably in the most loyal, loving & committed relationships there are - as you guys fly together not behind the others back. & Ofcourse massive love and appreciation for my Handsome birdy friend lol literally he's the best yoga buddy you could ask for & great company.

Best advice take off your masks people- start really analyzing yourself dig through your subconscious - learn yourself, accept yourself & love yourself so you stop clipping others wings and calling it love. I say this from experience -

I was so deeply convinced by a mask someone had put on me many years ago- I had no idea it was there until I started to question why I was ashamed of some of the things I like & desire? (as if I like something that's an expression of me )- where did that shame come from? Turns out it wasn't myself - it was from someone else who also couldn't accept themselves & had decided to clip my wings as they wanted to live in a cage & wear their masks- my wings grew back & I didn't live in a cage but the mask was still there & I was judging myself from someone else's views.

Thinking like life wouldn't be complete unless I was partnered and there was no alternative to a cage & clipped wings.

In real love there is no need as you don't hide your true self & they don't hide themselves - you only end up in union in alignment with a journey you would also enjoy - if both people truly want the cage that's fine, it's just usually it's one sided or coming from a place of fear caused by masks because after all most birds instinctively wish to fly.

I hope everyone can experience that understanding & peace for themselves & others.

Wondering why I'm sharing this crazy stuff?

Read my blog Lessons From Escorting

Thanks for being here -

Sending love

Xx

Armarni Bulkani

❤️🧿