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  • Writer's pictureArmarni Bulkani

What am I Doing?

You probably are wondering what am I doing & what has been going on with me lately?

Haha, same- I have no shame in admitting I'm pretty authentic & can show the actual dialogue in my head that most will fluff over with marketing.

I took some time away to attempt to clear my mind so I could conquer the charts 💁🏻‍♀️. However, funnily enough it probably was worse to do than continuing to work.

"I don't want to loose my sparkle in my pursuit of other paths. So I will keep shining as I have on and off- until I have something else that permanently brings out my sparkle- I'm still trading but all things worthwhile take time & I am paitent even when I need to remind myself such"

The inner war- I have a war inside me that most would have no idea I have. Some in the Adult Industry have it, some do not- some have shut it up & others it comes to the surface at times. The conflict between this life & wanting normalcy, but then knowing normal people's normalcy is not a normal I could bare 😂. So chasing my normal which is a little bit like a Disney movie to some but how it should be to me 😂. (I'm a little crazy but that is Afterall the thing people love most about me)

Was my time constructive? Yes. But in honesty I feel with less pressure to conform all parts of my life at once things were flowing better. When I'm not being Armarni there goes like 98% of all my social life- is actually a hard thing as this has been my entire life for 8 years. In order to do that you need to alienate yourself from your friends or social group or your mind may as well still be in the business. I miss the laughs I'd have with “clients” similarly to how I miss interacting with peers when I used to film - which for me was a hard part of walking from OnlyFans.

As much as you can try squeeze into normalcy it's hard to do when you are not in any circles. I think outsiders from this industry don't really comprehend the realities & how many of us either have no family contact at all or very strained relations. I guess as I've had that pretty much all of my life long before this, I found more relatable people in this industry than most. Trauma bonding? Haha maybe -

So the more pressure I put on my trading performance with a timer clicking in my head the worse it is. Plus holiday season I won't lie that's the worse time for me. Sure I have made progress, alot. But I believe if I wasn't beating myself up about being Armarni & wanting to be accepted into a new circle so badly by pushing that part of myself away- maybe I would have made more progress.

People who have gone through trying to learn to trade would understand it's a complicated process, technicals & study is one thing - but routine, habit building, psychology etc is another part. It's a lonely road in its self, but to combine that with already being an outcast of society that's a fun time. Sprinkled with some differences in learning & it's even harder.

I never had the luxury to finish High school. Granted I was a rebel & was only allowed to attend school for maths & English the last few months of year 10. I had bigger fish to fry, I didn't have a cosy safe home to go to with a mother that loved me. I didn't have the best mind to cope with life in general at that point. If you told me then I would be learning to read charts or do anything on a computer or any basic maths- I would have laughed in your face. I didn't have the technology others had, I had to buy school books & to my dismay even uniforms.

I have had a life that has caused my brain to work differently, long before this road. Even back then I stopped going to parties, I had an opportunity to put myself through Tafe 14 onwards & I did so & worked to pay for it at night. In that time I went through some horrible situations that made the news & even looking back now, I wonder how I kept going. I guess maybe this is the main reason I don't drink plus the smell is horrible like poison too me- I want to succeed too badly & I feel that would be a waste of my time.

Holidays or time off to most people are relaxing by a pool or going somewhere exciting. To me, it's giving myself something I didn't have the security in being able to focus solely on my education, to know the bills are good & I can just focus. I'm really grateful & lucky that I'm in a business of which I can just do that when I feel & my clients are understanding of it. Plus I can just be my very strange but authentic self.

Am I still trading? Yes, Ofcourse - I started to learn (the wrong way lol) in September 2022- I'm well aware it may take me 5 years. I've said that for a long time my progress while shocks me from someone who didn't even know what Forex was had no idea about trading at all (I knew you could invest). But to come from there to where I am already I am excited too see where I will be in 5 years.

Adversity is my middle name, but I feel Armarni Adversity Bulkani sounds weird so I just leave it silent. I'll overcome any obstacles - but right now not having any sparkle in my life & putting all the concrete on my shoulders is driving me batty.

How long am I back? I don't know, I have personal life things, I have big goals & I have other things that I will launch - within Armarni as well as far away from her. But I know I cannot put huge deadlines over my head when I am trying to achieve something that most people fail at (because they give up).

Even while I still am trading - I really thought full focus was what I needed to achieve what I am aiming, but it seems the full complete hermit mode is squashing my mind more than what is necessary or sustainable.

So I am honest looking forward to going out & seeing my familiar faces that I have missed having some fun & also meeting some new faces. Time away can make you appreciate 😊🧿

& I will be transparent in saying I don't know. As with everything in my life right now- I don't know. I know what I truly want, what I desire but not all factors are up to me & I can only continue to work on factors I can control. While doing so I don't want to do so in a way that completely isolates me- dims my light & squashes my sparkle. Because without my sparkle I'll ruin all the external factors as well or possibly loose the drive to do so anyway.

Welcome to my brain, I hoped you enjoyed your stay😂.

Also guys so many of you have reached out to me & I feel anxious too message back so late- I don't ever ignore people I know, if you think I've ghost you - know I haven't if I don't want to see you anymore I'm direct & give that closure. But if you messaged me & I haven't said those things or blocked you Its probably been too long for me to reply as I don't want to impact your personal life. I'm back on my phone now so feel free to reach out again 😘

Hugs & kisses

Armarni Bulkani

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